Whenever I think about what I'd like to achieve in my lifetime everything gets messy and I think I'm set on something, only then to realise it's the exact opposite of what I'm heading for. And it kind of makes me panic, simply because you only get one life (unless you're into the whole reincarnation shabang) and so you might as well try and do something with it. Where a lot of my friends have things that they really want to pursue, such as careers in architecture, events management etc, I feel like I don't really have an ultimate goal other than to just be happy and enjoy everything I do. The thing is, when thinking about the things that I enjoy, none of them are really things I can see myself making a career out of. For instance, I love writing; but even more so, I love reading. And so whenever I try to write something, I find myself comparing my own work to that of others, making everything I do seem rubbish and pointless, because even I would rather read their work than mine. 'I am too fond of reading books to write them,' kind of sums it up. Like, nothing I could produce would ever seem to compare, and I would always prefer to read something someone else had written to something I'd created myself. Which makes me think that maybe I could work in publishing. But equally, as much as I love reading, I can't help but feel like doing it as a job would completely ruin it for me. I would no longer just be reading for the sake of it and for enjoyment, it would be for purpose. And thus, there's potential I would be removing happiness from my life which goes against the only overall goal I seem to have. Besides reading/writing, the only other thing I have a real passion for is music. In fact, I considered doing a degree relating to music, but it kind of seemed like a risk that I'm not ready to take yet. The music industry is mean. And meanness puts me off. At the moment I don't think I'm a ruthless enough person to be able to step foot in the industry. I'm not saying everyone involved is evil and only out for themselves, but they've got a serious amount of determination and the ability to take big risks. I'm a woss and new things usually terrify me. And so going into something so unfamiliar to me just didn't seem right for me for now. Maybe one day I'll end up in the music business, but for now, I think I'll stick to hiding behind books in the park instead of being anywhere remotely near a stage.
In terms of current aspirations, because, as you can see, my life plan is nonexistent, I do have a few goals that are motivating me to continue making an effort.
I would like to pass my A Levels with the grades I need to get into my chosen university. It hasn't been easy so far and so I know that throughout the next month it's not going to get any better. But at the end of it, if I can say, 'yep, I did it, I'm in,' then at least it'll all seem like it was worth it. I'd also like to pass the saxophone exam I have coming (hahahahah help), because at least then entering for it won't have been a complete waste of money. I've always done surprisingly well in these exams previously, but I'm starting to get pretty worried for this one (it's in just over a month and it's not looking (/sounding) too great right now. BUT, the fact that it's getting closer is motivating me to practise with more concentration for longer so there is hope. The next one feels silly, and I suppose it's more of a long-term thing. I'd like to make sure I keep in contact with my friends from school after we all leave. Not all of them (to be honest there are a number of people in my friendship group that I don't even like but are just friends of friends), but the ones who I get on with the best. My best friend, Chloe, left school last year and we still talk everyday and meet up regularly, and so I hope I'll be able to continue that with some others, mainly my other best friend, Charlie. I love them and I can feel the unbearable potential for this to become soppy so I'm going to stop right here with this. The only other thing that I can think of that I'd like to do is travel. Unrealistically, I'd love to go everywhere. I'd love to spend a bit of time living in so many different countries. I just like the idea of the freedom and absorbing a thousand different cultures, learning about the history of everything there is to see. A man called Henry Miller said, 'one's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things,' and I think that sums it all up for me. I'd like to see everything I already see in another way and learn from it. To be honest I think travelling would be really good for me, because until I become lost in something completely unfamiliar, I don't think I'll fully understand everything that I already have and already am. I don't know, I just think that movement is good: both in the literal sense and in the sense of self-improvement.
So, yeah. Basically, in summary: I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm just hoping that it'll all lead to the right kind of thing for me. And if it doesn't, I guess I'll just try something else.
If you have some sort of idea with what you're doing with your life and you want to share, then please do. Maybe you'll inspire me to take control and form a career goal. Equally, if you have no idea what you're doing and you want to talk to someone who feels the same, I'm sure we'd get along very well.
Until next time.