Friday, 27 September 2019

stuck in a rut

I have been going in and out of several ruts for about 7 months now and I have had enough.

I haven't posted on this blog in a really long time, primarily because of all these ruts to be honest.

I've been busy; I've been bored; I've been run down; I've been stressed out; I've been travelling; I've been having fun; I've been making friends; I've been losing friends; I've been working hard; I've been playing hard; I've been crying; I've been angry; I've been laughing; I've been drinking; I've been dancing; I've been the happiest I've ever been; I've been the saddest I've ever been.

I've been learning about the world and myself.

I think ultimately, I've been confused. Confused about what I want. And this is the rut, the one that just keeps coming back around and probably always will.

I don't know what I want.

In terms of career, location, friendships, breakfast, hair length, fashion, duvet cover, the future.

I don't know what I want.

And it's something that should be exciting not terrifying. If I don't know what I want then there's no doors I need to close off, the options are unlimited. But there are too many options. I have no direction, I only have vague ideas. I don't have a plan or a goal. A lot of the time I feel that I don't serve a purpose. It used to excite me to be bound to nothing and free as a bird to make whatever choices I wish, but now it mystifies me.

I would like a purpose.

But while I'd like a purpose, I also like to live in the moment. I don't like to have plans for more than a few months ahead; I don't want to imagine my life in 5 years; I don't feel the need to think about having a family or a house. Okay, I think about having a dog, but that's it. Okay, two dogs.

Trying to work out what you want from life, while also trying to live in the moment and just exist is not the easiest of tasks. Planning and living are two things that I know co-exist and work perfectly well together, but they are not two things that I can seem to coordinate within my life.

I've been thinking about my life right now and the things and the people that are in it. And I've been having a clear out. Of things and people alike. If it doesn't serve me, bring me joy, or positively challenge me, then I don't want it anymore. If I don't feel good when I wear a skirt, then it's gone. If I don't use all five mugs, then I'll get rid of some. If being around you makes me unhappy, then you can get the hell away from me.

I've been slowly removing items from my house and people from my life. And I already feel a little lighter for it.

I suppose as much as I don't know what I do want, knowing what I don't want is a good starting point. Be rid of the things that you don't want, and perhaps there'll be a smaller maybe pile.

I'm going to start making a list of things I do want, regardless of what it is or how long I want it for, to remind myself that as much as I don't know what I want in the long term, there are lots of tiny things that I want each day, and that all amounts to bigger wants that I don't even realise I have.

This has been a strange ramble and if you've read it all the way through then thank you. I often feel unheard or like no one could possibly feel the same so there's no point in saying anything. But I've been talking and being heard a lot more recently, and there are a lot of people who have been feeling the same way as me.

If you do too, then know that this is all probably very normal. Probably, she says. I highly doubt that in a world with such a ridiculous amount of people there aren't others who feel the same way.

I going to carry on clearing out my wardrobe and work out how to eBay the things that don't serve me anymore. I'm going to listen to music that uplifts me and talk to friends who hear me.

Until next time.

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